Feral Pumpkins

April 10, 2008

Feral pumpkin sightings appear to be on the rise and certainly reports of attacks are, unfortunately, becoming more commonplace (via PF Magic). Furthermore, feral pumpkin attacks tend to peak during the spring mating season, which falls roughly six months after Halloween. However following a few easy tips and your risk of a feral pumpkin attack can be greatly reduced.

First, never garden at night. No matter how urgent it might seem your night vision is no match for a feral pumpkin’s. Keep in mind over 90% of pumpkin attacks occur during night time gardening so stick to afternoon gardening and your risks of an attack drop greatly. Second, consider skipping gardening at dusk and dawn as well. Feral pumpkins appear to be primarily nocturnal but there have been numerous sightings at dawn and dusk, especially near compost bins. Third, feral pumpkins tend to roll in packs and when confronted with a large feral pumpkin you must be prepared for the smaller feral pumpkins attacking from the back and sides. Try to keep your back to a wall or ditch or side of the house. Avoid large flat areas with thick low shrubbery. Finally, always wear sunglasses when gardening. The feral pumpkin’s preferred mode of attack is spitting partially fermented pumpkin seeds into the eyes of it’s victim. Sunglasses can prevent this.

4 Responses to “Feral Pumpkins”

  1. pfmagic Says:

    Thank you for addressing this little known danger. Of interest to many is the fact that R.E.M. is responsible for encouraging Gardening at Night in their song of the same name. Please join me in boycotting R.E.M. (after I see them at the Greek in Berkeley; my wife would never forgive me if we missed the show and I have really good seats).

  2. pfmagic Says:

    Corey Hart was also aware of this – the real reason why he wears his Sunglasses at Night.

  3. boldlentil Says:

    Now wait a minute, I see that the actual impetus for R.E.M.’s Gardening at Night was:

    “We were driving at night after a show (I don’t remember where), and I was at the wheel of our old car, with a rental trailer in tow. One of my three passengers aimed a directive at me. Rather than inform me of his desire to evacuate his bladder, he instead suggested that I pull over so that he might engage in the task of roadside ‘night gardening.’ To four guys in their early twenties this was a glaring catalyst for a new song.”


    Such reckless disregard for feral pumpkins…

  4. Fantastic blogpost, I bookmarked your blog so I can visit again in the near future, Cheers

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